The Art of Apologizing
Apologizing can be hard.
Even when we know we hurt someone, sometimes there’s a part of us that resists acknowledging that. Maybe we feel vulnerable, or fear being rejected, blamed, or misunderstood. Maybe we’re still trying to figure out if we actually did do something wrong. And if you grew up in an environment where emotional safety was inconsistent or where apologies were rarely modeled, it’s no wonder it can feel so uncomfortable.
Learning how to offer a sincere apology is one of the most powerful ways to care for our relationships. A real apology is not about making the discomfort go away, “winning,” or proving you’re still a good person. It’s about taking accountability for how you impacted someone, even if you didn’t mean to hurt them. Apologizing shows that the other person’s emotions and perspective matter to you, and that kind of care is essential for building secure relationships where everyone feels seen and valued.
Apologize with Kindness and Courage
A meaningful apology has a simple formula:
1) Verbalize the apology: Start with the actual words. Don’t assume the person knows that you are sorry.
✅ “I’m sorry for interrupting you.”
✅ “I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you earlier.”
✅ “I’m sorry I wasn’t honest about how I felt.”
✅ “I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings.”
2) Take responsibility: Don’t explain it away or deflect. Own what happened.
✅ “It was wrong because I dismissed your feelings.”
✅ “It was wrong because I made you feel like you weren’t heard.”
✅ “It was wrong because I said something hurtful, even if I didn’t mean to.”
3) Commit to change: Let the person know you’re reflecting and trying to do better.
✅ “Moving forward, I’ll be more mindful of how I speak when I’m frustrated.”
✅ “Next time, I’ll be honest sooner instead of shutting down.”
✅ “I want to make sure this doesn’t happen again, and I’m working on it.”
✅ If you don’t know what you need to change: “If this comes up again, how would you prefer for me to show up / behave / communicate with you?”
4) Ask for forgiveness: Not as a demand, but as an invitation.
✅ “Will you accept my apology?”
✅ “I hope you can forgive me. I understand if you need space. I’ll be here when you are ready to connect again.”
Extra Tip: Your Body Language Matters
A big part of communication happens beyond our words. A flat tone, eye-rolling, smirking, crossed arms, or avoiding eye contact can all send a message of defensiveness, even if your words sound “correct.”
When apologizing, aim for:
✅ Eye contact (as much as feels comfortable)
✅ A calm, steady tone
✅ Relaxed body posture
✅ Mindfulness: put the phone down, slow your breath, be present
It’s not just what you say. It’s how you make someone feel when you say it.
When Sorry Isn’t Really Sorry
Sometimes we say things that sound like apologies, but deep down, we’re really trying to avoid responsibility. It might sound like shifting blame to the other person, brushing off what happened, or minimizing the harm that was caused. Instead of making things better, these statements leave the other person feeling even more unseen and frustrated.
A few examples of popular “apology imposters”:
❌ “You know that’s not what I meant.”
❌ “I was just joking!”
❌ “I’m not perfect!”
❌ “Well you always…”
❌ “Well I’m sorry you feel that way…”
❌ “I’m sorry but…”
❌ “You’re just being sensitive!”
If you didn’t mean to hurt someone, you can say something like, “I wasn’t trying to hurt you, but I can see that I did, and I’m really sorry.”
Remember: intentions matter, but they don’t erase the impact or hurt feelings.
This is hard!! . . .
If offering a real apology feels difficult, don’t worry you are not alone. There may be very real reasons behind your hesitation:
➡️ Survival instincts: If your nervous system is used to seeing conflict as danger, apologizing might feel like exposing yourself to harm.
➡️ Shame: You might equate being wrong with being unworthy, especially if you were raised around harsh punishment or emotional neglect.
➡️ Past experiences: If your apologies were used against you, or if no one ever took responsibility when they hurt you it’s understandable that the whole process feels unsafe or unfamiliar.
➡️ Fear of rejection or being ,misunderstood: Apologizing puts us in a vulnerable position. We can’t control how the other person will respond, and that can feel intimidating.
Like any skill, apologizing gets easier with practice. The more we approach conflict with curiosity and care, the more our nervous systems learn that accountability does not equal danger. Over time, it can start to feel less like a threat and more like an opportunity to reconnect.
. . . But Worth It
When done sincerely, an apology can strengthen our relationships and support our emotional growth. Apologies can:
🩷 Mend trust: It signals that you’re safe to be in relationship with. You're willing to own your part and care about repair.
🩷 Reduce resentment: Avoiding the hard conversation doesn’t make the hurt go away. But an apology can begin to release the tension.
🩷 Model healthy communication: Whether in friendships, family, or romantic relationships, an honest apology creates space for emotional maturity and safety.
🩷 Increase connection: Vulnerability deepens intimacy. Admitting fault it creates space for trust and connection by saying, “I care more about our relationship than protecting my ego.”
🩷 Support self-growth: Every time you apologize, you’re reinforcing your values and integrity. it is also a practice of self-compassion by allowing yourself to be human, make mistakes, and still be worthy of love and respect.
You Don’t Have to Be Perfect
Your apology doesn’t have to be perfectly worded or delivered like a script, but the person on the receiving end should be able to feel your sincerity. That matters most. The more you practice apologizing and leaning into vulnerability, the easier and more natural it becomes.
Every time you choose to repair instead of retreat, you’re not only strengthening your relationships – you’re reclaiming your emotional power.
Keep practicing.
Looking for more resources on navigating relationships? Connect with a therapist at Courageous Counseling & Consultation. We are here to support you on your journey.
